You know, I could very easily pull myself out of this funk, but I don't want to. I want to kick and whine and throw a tantrum. I've put up with enough bullshit thus far and really feel I deserve it. Then the mature part of me comes stomping in and makes me feel guilty. Not sure what part makes me feel worse right now. I really need to kick my butt into gear and get stuff done, but since finally getting my official rejection letter from UPenn last week, I've been feeling like a down-right failure. It's severely put a strain on my current work, that's for sure. I've lost the drive since I know I'm not making it to grad school. What the hell do I do now? Yea yea, I've already thrown out all my options, but most of them, well...they'd all be for NEXT year as well, when I'd be re-applying for grad school.
I've talked with professors, I've gone to networking events, I've put myself out there, but I feel like all the answers I've been given is, "You're a good student, you go to a good school, you have good interests, you'll get there." And I'm SICK of hearing it! I KNOW all that! I've been told it for years! But what the hell can that REALLY get me?!
You know what I really want to do? Fall off the earth. I want to crawl into a cave and just sit for a gooood loooong while, and I want to be left completely alone. I've never ever wanted that before. I've always thought of how nice that would be for like...a day. Then I'd feel lonely. But right now I'm desperate for an escape. A really long escape. I just don't want to deal with all the bullshit anymore. I don't want to get a job because, frankly, I can't think of anything that I'd really enjoy. I don't want to reach my full potential right now. I want to wallow. No, not wallow. I want to search deep deep deep within myself, and that's going to take a lot of seclusion. Completely and utterly alone, with nothing connecting me to the outside world. Maybe I'll put myself up in a Buddhist monastery for a few months, where I can meditate and think about what my place is in this crazy fucked up world because I'm lost.
I always knew that my most comfortable place was school. I always hated doing a "job". So I always just assumed I'd always be in school until I became a professor. But that doesn't look like it's happening. So...now what? What do I really want to do? I want to spend time at home. But I want to go away from everything. I want to do some help with the world. But I want to re-figure myself out. I want to keep learning. But I feel oh-so done with school. I just don't want to do it anymore.