You know, I could very easily pull myself out of this funk, but I don't want to. I want to kick and whine and throw a tantrum. I've put up with enough bullshit thus far and really feel I deserve it. Then the mature part of me comes stomping in and makes me feel guilty. Not sure what part makes me feel worse right now. I really need to kick my butt into gear and get stuff done, but since finally getting my official rejection letter from UPenn last week, I've been feeling like a down-right failure. It's severely put a strain on my current work, that's for sure. I've lost the drive since I know I'm not making it to grad school. What the hell do I do now? Yea yea, I've already thrown out all my options, but most of them, well...they'd all be for NEXT year as well, when I'd be re-applying for grad school.

I've talked with professors, I've gone to networking events, I've put myself out there, but I feel like all the answers I've been given is, "You're a good student, you go to a good school, you have good interests, you'll get there." And I'm SICK of hearing it! I KNOW all that! I've been told it for years! But what the hell can that REALLY get me?!

You know what I really want to do? Fall off the earth. I want to crawl into a cave and just sit for a gooood loooong while, and I want to be left completely alone. I've never ever wanted that before. I've always thought of how nice that would be for like...a day. Then I'd feel lonely. But right now I'm desperate for an escape. A really long escape. I just don't want to deal with all the bullshit anymore. I don't want to get a job because, frankly, I can't think of anything that I'd really enjoy. I don't want to reach my full potential right now. I want to wallow. No, not wallow. I want to search deep deep deep within myself, and that's going to take a lot of seclusion. Completely and utterly alone, with nothing connecting me to the outside world. Maybe I'll put myself up in a Buddhist monastery for a few months, where I can meditate and think about what my place is in this crazy fucked up world because I'm lost.

I always knew that my most comfortable place was school. I always hated doing a "job". So I always just assumed I'd always be in school until I became a professor. But that doesn't look like it's happening. So...now what? What do I really want to do? I want to spend time at home. But I want to go away from everything. I want to do some help with the world. But I want to re-figure myself out. I want to keep learning. But I feel oh-so done with school. I just don't want to do it anymore.

1 comment:

Denise said...

Harsh comment coming from a blunt and harsh person....sometimes you have to do things you don't want to do before you can do what you want...for most people that is school however the weirdos like you and me who wish we can be in school forever it's the first jobs (whether it be 1 or 20) that we have to take to make ends meet until we can reach our goal. Do you think a single mother whose lost her husband likes working at McDonalds...no she does it because she has to because it is a necessary step....so Allison as someone who loves and cares for you...Be in a funk every weekend all you want (we can do it together) but when the week comes get moving whether you want to or not...and apply and take a job whether you think you wi9ll like it or not...being secluded and thinking does not provice a path or opportunities...idleness never works....what you have to do is take jobs even if you are 100% sure you will hate them because you don't ever know. At that job you could meet someone that will point you into a job you love or gain you the edge that will get you into the gradschool you want or could even be a great contact later in life when trying to find a school to work at....suffering through a job you hate is worth the chance that you might further your dreams. I refuse to believe that you will hate every and any job because you haven't tried that many jobs. I would try as many as you can because you never know what will fit...so don't write off a job just because it sounds like something you might not want or be able to do. You can't live at your parents forever and you can't wallow forever! you need to work and find something that fits so why not find somethign that pays and since your field of study is applicable in many areas not matter how skeptical you are try every single one because the more experience you have in many fields the better.....anyway should I ever make millions I promise to support you in a monastery for a month where you can contemplate the universe but until then you should work on getting a job that can help you find opportunities....and that is all I have to say about that....um man we need to talk more often....maybe we should work on our phone conversation skills lol